I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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