I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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