i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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