I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Randomize
