Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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