Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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