Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
