i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
