I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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