I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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