Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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