Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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