her vagine was all disorganized.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
