soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
