Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I did not marry a roomba.
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