Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
