the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
