She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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