I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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