I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
