What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
