weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
