If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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