I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
