saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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