Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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