Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
