Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
