did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
