Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Will exercising make me less horny?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
