At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
