I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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