Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
