how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
