I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
