I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
where am i from again
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
