You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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