If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
