I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
