Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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