I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
