I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
