BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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