My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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