somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
