Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
