My first STD was from a foam party
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
there is puke in my bra ... again
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