4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
