I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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