I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
